Living life one day at a time

I've had some few emotional days lately.
Wondering why this is happening to me, what did I deserve to not be able to conceive a child for my husband. Is it because were selfish and we've gone this long without kids so punish us...so many thoughts go through my head and I know I can't think negative I know that but I still do. Its hard not to. I sit there and think about my feelings and don't think how this is affecting my husband. He gets upset with me and tells me that the one thing I want so badly he can't give me. I never realized it hurt him just as much as it hurts me. I know I'm the one going to the doctor's offices and getting the results but we are a pair and what affects me affects him as well.

I just got off clomid for 5 days. I take it at night now so I sleep off the side effects. I go in on Friday for my ultrasound to check my follicles and hoping to do my 2nd IUI this weekend or early next week. And praying like never before that this is it...

I received a phone call out of the blue on Sunday. It was from a friend from high school that we talked over the years on Facebook but she ended up closing her account and I lost her number and couldn't get a hold of her. But then I ended up closing my Facebook account and another friend was worried about me so contacted her to find out if she heard from me. So she called me to see how I was doing. She knows I have been ttc for some time now and wanted to check in on me. I thought this was the nicest thing anyone has ever done. Not very often does someone call you to see how you were doing. Anyways, we talked for 45 mins and talked about her struggling ttc and getting pregnant twice and losing the babies to trying again and the struggles I've been going through. Its nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing as you. Its hard to talk to someone who has no idea what it's like to struggle to get pregnant and have to explain all the different procedures and medications your doing or on. And I'm an emotional person anyways so to talk about this is difficult for me. I don't always share my feelings but no one besides my husband has no idea how bad I just want to become a mother and I can't. Being around children is difficult for me knowing I'm having such a hard time. Going to baby showers is even more difficult. I love all my nieces and nephews like you will never believe but I envy my sister, brother and sister in laws for being able to have children so easily. And they have no idea the struggles I've been through.

Words that hurt...

Not so good news...

Well I went in for my blood test yesterday and received a call that it was negative. I was so heartbroken and I was sitting in a restaurant with my nephew and good thing because I almost broke down. I feel like I have done everything I possible could and still no positive pregnancy test. I feel like this is all my fault and wonder what else could be wrong. The doctors say that everything is fine but if we are not getting pregnant than what. I am so mad and upset and wish I could just snap my fingers and get pregnant. Kevin keeps telling me its out of my control and there's nothing I can do and stop stressing about it. I'm glad that he gets happy and sad with me and understands what I'm going through. He was really bummed when I told him the news. So now I'm just waiting for my period to start so we can start a new cycle of hormones, mood swings, ultrasounds, blood work and being poked and prodded :)

If anyone is interested I also bought Vitex and Maca Root and going to start taking these. Vitex is a vitamin, does not contain hormones and to promote fertility. And of course there are side effects so I'll have to keep an eye on it. Maca Root is a vitamin as well and does not contain hormones. It helps with infertility and comes from the root of a turnip grown in Ecuador and Peru. It also helps men with their sperm count and mobility. So women if your men have problems have them try this vitamin. They say men should take 1,500-3,000 mg a day. Here's more info on it: http://www.livestrong.com/article/350433-benefits-of-maca-root-on-fertility/. I'm so excited to start trying both of these and have Kevin start taking maca root. You never know this may be what we've been missing :)

Have a great weekend!

here we go again...

Here I am again in the dreaded 2 week wait. I went to the doctor on Saturday to check my progesterone levels and again they are above 20. And that's a good thing. If they were less than 20 then I would have to be on medication. So I go back next Friday to to my beta blogs test. This month my symptoms haven't been that bad. I've had mood swings really. Crying for no reason just get upset. I took my clomid at night this month to hopefully sleep off the symptoms and so far so good. This month I took clomid cycle days 5-9 and had my ultrasounds last Saturday and did my trigger shot of ovidrel on Sunday night. Praying tons that this is my month and I feel positive and know it will be.

Speed Bumps

Life wouldn't be life if there weren't any speed bumps
My Christmas was great. Spent christmas morning at my sister in laws opening presents and then came home so family could enjoy the holidays at our house.
I was supposed to go in for my beta blood test 2 days after christmas. On Christmas day I wasn't feeling that great and had a feeling something was wrong. I woke up and went shopping the day after Christmas and knew something was wrong, went to the bathroom and the dreaded period showed up. I was so bummed. So I can officially say our first IUI had failed. But I didn't dread over it, I grieved a little bit but needed to move on.

Fast forward to this month and we decided to move forward with trying it again.
I went in on CD3 for ultrasound to make sure I was ok to take clomid again this month and I was so I started that CD5. I went in for another ultrasound on CD13 which was this past weekend and I have 2 follicles on each side measuring at 16mm and they grow about 2 mm a day. I took my trigger shot of Ovidrel Sunday night and we aren't going to do IUI this month. Were just going to do timed intercourse and see how that works. If for whatever reason we have to do this again next month were going to try IUI again but I have a feeling this is my month! I also started doing ovulation predictor kits again and today I got that I was ovulating so this is it...today's the day! I go in this Saturday for my progesterone blood work to make sure I ovulated. Praying that I get high numbers and that I ovulated.

I also start school this week so at least I will have something to keep my mind occupied.

I will post more when I go on Saturday until then have a great week :)